Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We got so high we made milksteak
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
