There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
