i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
