ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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