and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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