i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
