there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize