Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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