I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
