theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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