I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Randomize
