i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
