The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
