Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
