SEEEEXXX PLEASE
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
