Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
