im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
