70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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