I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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