A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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