There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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