I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
