In the future we'll all be gay
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
