I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
That accounts for only three of the penises
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
