So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
