i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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