don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
