I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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