1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
