so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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