This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
