Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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