Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
