I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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