**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
