Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
