I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize