My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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