I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
