my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
