I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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