I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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