the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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