I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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