So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
