wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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