I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
