I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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