he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
