She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
