Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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