Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
