so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
