splinters make it hard to masturbate
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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