I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
