I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
