I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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