omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
