My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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