you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
