I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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