i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
